At Christmas time I found out I was pregnant, I basically knew from day dot as I felt so nauseous, but put it down to my period because that would be a symptom I would get. But no a week or so after a missed period I pee on a stick and yep I’m pregnant.
It was definitely something I had to get my head around! I will admit my first feelings were panic and fear. I wasn’t ready, I was catastrophising, I had myself thinking the worst and panicking about everything. But I knew I just had to take things one day at a time. It’s funny because in my head and out loud to a few close friends I have associated this pregnancy a lot to my cancer journey, so like I did then I just had to do one day at a time. The hubby and I just carried on as much as possible as normal.
The nausea at the start, 24/7 was terrible, I remember sitting at a family party on boxing day really struggling to pretend to be happy and wanting to chat and not vomit. Then a couple of weeks later began the vomiting. Life became a massive struggle, I looked horrendous, my skin broke out, I looked grey, my hair started falling out, I was loosing weight. I struggled so much driving to and from work and surviving a day trying to do my job. Living off rice cakes and a cuppa soup on a good day as it was all I could force into myself, wearing sickness bands and trying to hide how ill I was and that I was pregnant. My mental health was also going down hill I was really struggling and panicking that I was going mad!
Then at about 7 weeks I had a scare, I was in work and I had some bleeding. Straight away I panicked I waited until my friend had finished teaching, trying to stay calm and asked her advice… Go home and rest and ring the doctor on the way home. There really wasn’t a lot I could do, I just needed to do what she said and try to stay calm. Thankfully I got through to my GP straight away and he was fantastic! (I have a massive trust issue with doctors after what happened with my cancer diagnosis and this was a new GP practice I had moved to due to the fact I was now pregnant I couldn’t keep going to my one in my home town.) He was so understanding, again unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do, but he rang the hospital and got me an appointment straight away with the Early Pregnancy Problem Clinic (I know, what a name), I was in to see them the next afternoon, but if I had anymore or new bleeding I was to go up to A&E.
During the time of my scare something happened to me that made me so angry but I’m not going to name names. I was in two minds about sharing it, but this is my blog and I always have been open and honest and I’m not going to stop doing that now! We met a family member, a real joker who jokingly said to my hubby (whilst rubbing my stomach may I add!) had he ‘not got a bun in the oven yet?!’ Looking back on it, if I hadn’t been so taken a back I would have said something but I couldn’t get over it, I was standing there quite possibly losing my baby and he had the cheek to say that stupid, flippant comment, never mind rub my stomach at the same time!!! I didn’t know what to do and just laughed it off and said no. To be fair to this person I know no malice was made by it, and they don’t know that I’ve had cancer before, which treatment could have left me infertile but I have always no matter what never said to anyone about how they are getting on with having children, you never know what’s going on in someone’s life and it’s none of your bloody business! (Can you tell that this still drives me mad?!?!)
Anyway I digress, I later realised I had bled a bit more so as advised we went straight up to A&E. When I was triaged the nurse checked my blood pressure and asked me had there been much? This really confused me I mean how much was much? Anyway I told her what I had experienced and she asked for a urine sample to do a pregnancy test and to get bloods done incase I had lost a lot of blood. At this point I was past myself, I have a total needle phobia and cannot get bloods done without numbing cream on first. This was the time my hubby really seen the phobia I had, he thought I’d just been exaggerating but this was an eye opener to him. I have to say he was very good as was the nurse taking the blood, although he did moan I nearly broke his hand; I mean if he thought that was bad, good luck when I’m in labour. So bloods and urine done we had to sit waiting for hours, at one point I was so tired and exhausted I just wanted to go home, it was 1am, and we’d been there from about 10pm. I asked about just going home as I had an appointment the next day anyway and I hadn’t had anymore bleeding and was told no they didn’t advise me to leave. So another hour went by sitting out in the cold foyer as there were no seats in A&E, I was finally seen to be told my bloods were fine, I was still pregnant, but this early on there was nothing I or they could do. I was so tired and angry that we had sat cold, tired and worrying for over 4hrs to be told what I basically already knew.
Finally after some sleep and a bit of a lie in we headed back to the hospital to the Early Pregnancy Problem Clinic. After a long wait, (they were running a couple of hours behind) we finally seen the Doctor and had a scan, it was so nerve wracking but we thankfully were told everything was OK, we got to see bubs on the screen and the Dr was able to date the pregnancy; around 7 weeks.
From then on it’s been a bit of a blur with the sickness especially taking over my life. We both agreed though that we were glad we hadn’t told family about the pregnancy yet as them worrying too would not have helped. Alongside the sickness I became a bit paranoid about constantly checking for bleeding when at the toilet, but it never did happen again, thank goodness!
However the sickness did, read the next post for PART 2.